Hiring: Director of Strategic De-Stabbing Mismanagement
- Etan L
- Aug 12
- 2 min read
Updated: Aug 18
A unique opportunity to manage royal crises
Have you ever wondered what a medieval job description might have looked like? We've applied modern-day LinkedIn concepts to the Middle Ages to find out. The results are... well, they're something.
The Royal Household seeks a highly skilled and exceptionally loyal individual to fill the critical role of Keeper of the King's Sanity.
This isn't a job for the faint of heart. Our last Keeper was "promoted" to a decorative gargoyle after a minor misunderstanding involving the wine cellar and some "concerned" nobles. We require someone with a proven track record of keeping their master's head attached to his shoulders.
Duties & Responsibilities:
Threat Mitigation Specialist: Identify and neutralize all threats to His Majesty, whether they come from a disgruntled cousin with a pointy object or a suspicious-looking mushroom.
Chief of Staff & Head of Royal Logistics: Ensure the King's clothes aren't on fire, his advisors aren't actively plotting against him, and the royal treasury hasn't been mysteriously pilfered by "gnomes."
Diplomatic Liaison & Professional Liar: Serve as the King's public face, negotiating with other kingdoms and smiling convincingly while promising things we have no intention of delivering.
Executive Personal Assistant: Anticipate the King's every need, from a perfectly timed cup of mead to a well-placed sword to ward off an unexpected intruder.
Required Skills & Qualifications:
Battlefield Leadership: Must be able to command a household guard or a full-fledged army with equal authority.
Advanced Knife & Polearm Combat: The ability to handle pointy things is non-negotiable.
Crisis Management: Expertise in dealing with wildfire, poisoned feasts, and impromptu family feuds is a must.
Impeccable Loyalty: We are looking for someone whose loyalty is unwavering, at least for the duration of their employment.
To Apply: Submit your curriculum vitae to the Royal Scribe, who will likely misplace it. Please also bring your own sword. We're a little short.
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